Represent The Love

Today is my parents 36th Wedding Anniversary!

Ok now that that is out the way let me get to the real point.  If you know anything about my parents and their relationship, you would know that it is a weird one.  My mom says that her greatest mistake was ever marrying my dad.  With that being said, lets talk about that four letter word that can strike fear in even the toughest man's psyche: L-O-V-E.

Despite the issues that they have had, despite the fact that my dad is a curmudgeon at all times, my mom still loves it.  At the same note, my mom probably doesn't communicate the way that my dad would like her to and the fact that she doesn't spend as much time home as he wishes at times, they still love each other.

It's hilarious to see what 36 years of marriage will do to a couple.  They know each other idiosyncrasies to a T but despite that, they both try to do things they aren't supposed to do.  No, I'm not talking about illegal measures, but little things such as pushing their bodies to limits it can't handle and then they yell at each other (my dad calls these, discussions).

Still despite getting on each others nervess (my mom's nerves more than my dad's) they still love each other.  It's crazy.  It's incomprehensible to me.  It's ridiculous that two people can be in so much love but rarely say it to each other.  A conversation that happens in the household is as follows:
Dad: I love you.
Mom: You Better.

Hil-a-rious.  I'm not going to lie, at times in my life I wasn't sure whether my mom really loved my dad but after recent events, I'm reminded that their mutual love runs deeper than I even imagined.

My dad has recently had his 3rd back surgery in 5 or 6 years.  Ever since the surgery my mom has been the general of the house.  She's making sure my dad doesn't do anything detrimental to his health.  She's protecting him, caring for him, and it's amazing to watch especially for me because I NEVER see that type of affection between my parental units.

The day my dad was released from the hospital he received shaking news.  For the purposes of confidentiality, I'm not going to disclose the news.  However, I will say that I've only seen my dad tear up once before that moment.  I didn't know what to do, but then I saw my mother provide the first ounce of wifely affection I've seen in my life.  She grabbed his hand immediately and talked to him.  That BLEW MY MIND.

That single moment has been running through my head on replay as a reminder that there was a reason they were married.  They were both my age at one time. They both probably had their doubts about relationships and life in general, but they made a commitment to spend their lives together and they are upholding it.  I'm blessed you guys.  I am an black male in an urban setting with both of my parents still upholding their matrimonial vows that they took over three and a half decades ago.

My mom might not be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman.  And my dad might not be the perfect 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:5-9 man.  But praise the Lord they are trying!

They truly, in their own quirky way, represent the love.  I can only hope and pray that one day I may have a relationship as fruitful, but maybe not as weird, as theirs.  They have successfully modeled to me the idea of commitment.  The idea of a lifelong commitment.  If I do end up getting married to a beautiful soul, I will remember their relationship (at least I hope I do).

This isn't a fix-it blog.  Rather this is an encouragement blog.  To let my readers out there know that there is hope.  Let everyone know that vows and commitments are a real thing.  To prosper through the tough and weird times with you future or current spouses because you never know who's watching and looking to emulate.

With that being said, lets play a real lovin song!

For Colored Girls

There is a reason that at the moment in my life that I'm reading a book to become a better man (Kingdom Man by Tony Evans), at a time where I'm struggling to find out who I am in relation to woman, I just happen to fall across a movie that places me into a vortex of thoughts and emotions.

That movie is For Colored Girls which is directed by Tyler Perry featuring an all African American cast.  The movie centers around nine separatred but yet intertwined black woman who all share their own struggles (albeit some worse than others).  I can't as a black man directly relate to their experiences per se, but I can feel it.  I can feel the hurt.  I can feel the shame.  I can feel the pain.  I can feel the disappointment.  I can feel the...the emotions.

What the heck is going on men? That's a question that is continuously echoing in my head.  I know we aren't perfect, but seriously bros.  We can do better.

Yes, there was a silver lining in the movie: aka 1 good black man in the ENTIRE movie (which I don't believe to be completely true).  However the point still stands.  Why are all the Adam's out there leaving the Eve's on their own.  Why are we constantly hurting them?  Is there something about our DNA.  I really don't know.

Fatherless homes?  Babies making babies? Abuse? Neglect? Sin?

In Kingdom Man, Dr. Tony Evans made a statement that I couldn't register until now.  He basically said that if you don't love being a man, then there is something wrong with you.  And after watching this movie, and all the hell my counterparts go through, I absolutely know that God knew what he was doing in making me a man. A Man of Color.  Because Lord knows, what I would end up doing if I was in the position that some of my sisters were in.

I do understand that this is a movie and al ot of it is dramatized, but the principle sticks in.  Black Women have it rough.  You have the media telling you to straighten your hair, you have the magazines telling you that being dark is out, you have your dads telling you that ain't good enough (if they are even in the picture).  You have your hearts continuously being stomped on and trashed and for what?  So a dude like me can have you for a moment and when he gets tired of you he just goes on to something better.

No, that just isn't right!

I know I've said this before, but now I feel it with much much more conviction: Women Are A Gift From God.  We need to start treating you like it.  Until I feel mature enough to handle my insecurities, whom I am, I don't deserve as a man, as an aspiring Kingdom Man to be part of this continual rinse cycle that's degraded, dehumanizing, and just debilitating these Black Queens.

I'm only speaking for myself here.  Me, Michael Adams, young African American Man.  You have the absolute right to hold me to these words; they aren't going anywhere.  I pray that Jesus continues to transform my heart so that I can be like David (a man after God's Heart--Acts 13:22).

This is just ridiculous.

--MJA

Part of My Thoughts on Relationships

I wanted to repost this blog I wrote a while back:

Relationships 101

I personally love talking to people about what I learned about romantic relationships. I mean who doesn’t love talking about love and what not? I know that during high school years and my time at Messiah College, whenever there was a discussion group or chapel about love and sex, those places were normally packed! God made us interested to be love and to love, and even to learn about anything that has the word “sex” in it. Point blank, they are just God-given desires!
I want to dedicate my first blog about what I’ve recently have been talking about with a friend of mine. Along with some input thoughts from my girlfriend, I wanted to write something short and brief.
For all my fellow guys (and ladies if you’re taking a sneak peak of this blog) here are my thoughts to make you think:

1) Dating for a long-comittment:

Two things: Why are you pursuing a relationship? Are you doing it because your friends are in a relationship and your obligated to be in one? Or do you cherish her and you can see yourself with her for possibly your entire life? I know it’s too early to think about that if you haven’t gotten to know that girl well enough. So why not start with pursuing a friendship before you’re thinking of her as future wifey?

2) “All guys are jerks!”

Does this quote sound anyway familiar? Yes, we do have our flaws, but what has happened to our role to make the female population have this thought? My point is as guys, what are we doing to make many girls say this? How are we treating them?

This might be a little weird, but pretend that there’s a random guy who has a bad reputation hitting on your little sister. I don’t know about you, but I would do anything in my power to protect my little sister from having some kind of disrespectful guy to even touch her. Not take that thought and think about that girl you’re pursuing or wanting to pursue. Are your motives to be with her pure? What are you trying to get out of this potential relationship? That girl is somebody’s daughter, sister, granddaughter. She deserves to be respected to the utmost and protected.

3) God works with you if you allow him to

I kid you not. God works with us if we include Him in our day-to-day decisions, even romantic relationships. I used to think that God doesn’t really care about that part of my life until I realized that most of my past relationships were no good because God was nowhere to be found. My girlfriend, before I asked her out, told me something that changed my perspective about God’s will. God’s will is made known if you’re intentionally putting God first over everything. Looking for God because you want a girlfriend is not going to make the cut. If you truly look for the Creator of Love, God will grant you the most amazing, unique love story that will be so particular for you!

A true man will man up to making sure God is the main priority.
These are just some of the things I had in mind as I continue to hear complaints from our fellow sistas. Overtime I would love to discuss more about this topic. Fellas, continue to seek God and His righteousness and God will respond to your needs. Lets change this generation by reflecting God’s character daily.

-Moises

The Christian Lovers' Dilemma

One day, when I die and go to heaven, I'm going to ask God, why did you make men and women soo different?  We are soo different and yet, for the most part, we can't stay away from each other.  Now whether that's a good thing or bad thing is TBD but this blog is about relationships.  I'm not in a relationship.  In fact I'm nowhere close to a relationship, but I've read a ton about relationships and I was told I give good advice, so I'm going to give this a try.

This blog right here, is dedicated to all my Christian Lovers.

Ya know, as a Christian it's tough.  We have to "deal" with all the things that a normal person has to deal with but we also have to "deal" with a spiriutal aspect.  We have to constantly make sure that we and the Man Upstairs are on the same wave length.  We have to consistently check to make sure that it's our Father's will that we do X or Y and sometimes we don't even recieve an audible answer so we go around blind hoping that we are making the right decision.

This is especially tough in the dating/relationship realm.  What's the proper way for a Christian to date? (Yeaaa...I'm not gonna go there) However, one problem that I've had in the past is the mindset.  Too many Christians, especially younger ones have this non-biblical principle that says that: "God has this perfect person out there that is perfect for me, all I have to do is meet her/him and everything will go smoothly."  Am I bowling down your alley?  My peeps, our concept of The One is.NOT.biblical.  If you go through your life turning down he's and she's looking for your Mr. Perfect, you are going on a wild goose chase.

Yes, I do believe that God has a plan for your life and every once ina while God does seem to pull you in one direction or another but I do not believe that God tells John Doe that he will meet Jane Doe on December 21, 2012 (when the world ends).  Noooooooooo.  We have free will.  God knows ultimately what we are going to do, and there are some people more compatiable than others for us, but there isn't that one person.  We need to get out that mindset.  Let's consider the compaitable beings as little tugs from God that this person is a possibility.

Once you get locked out of that mindset, you my friends are liberated.  I know I was!  You no longer look into ever person and think: OMG is this The ONE.  Getting to know people is about having fun.  We Christians are guilty of stressifying the dating period soo much that we lose sight of the true meaning of dating.  Everyone you go on a date with shouldn't feel like they are filling out a husband/wife application.  Nein! In the get-to-know phase you do exactly that: you _________________.  Find out their interests.  Find our their passions.  If you look at this phase as having fun, you're en route to living a less stressful life!

But wait there's more!  Actually, I held back on ya'll a little.  The concept of The One is biblical.  The One I'm talking about is Jesus. God is supposed to be first in foremost in our lives.  And logically if God is first, then maybe, just maybe, we need to start looking for Number Two.

Whoa.  Number two?  That's radical and yes, you can slap me later on.  But think about it.  Let it marinate in your noggin.  You can't have two number ones can ya?  Just a thought...

But seriously people, we need to revamp our thoughts.  If you are in a relationship and you are thinking about getting out of it because the person isn't you're Mr. Perfect but you are crazy about the person nonetheless, don't be naive and do that to yourself.

I'm going to let everyone in on a secret.  No matter who you date.  No matter who you marry. No matter...you are going to have arguments.  They are going to drive you crazy?  Why?  Because you are two different people with two different opinions/interest/livelihood.

I'm going to take off my Perfect-Christian Mask and say that I get angry at God.  Me and God bicker quite often. Sooooooo, if I disagree and question the LORD, why would I think that my relationship with another sinner like me will go smooth?  Stop having this expectation my brethren.  You are ruining chances with great people and you are ruining great relationships.

With the fact that relationships are tough in your head, I need to press you on one more issue. People give up on things wayy too quickly.  When the going gets tough, we run. We're afraid.  We give up. ESPECIALLY in relationships (I am one of the biggest culprits of this).  But somehow.  Somehow we think that we can grow.  We can grow closer to our guy. Grow closer to our girl and not work at.  Here's a question: What, if anything, can you do where you stop working on it, and still have growth?
*Insert Cricket Sounds*

So then why do we magically think that we can just go through relationships half hearted and expect them to become fruitful.  Why do we think that you are supposed to be happy evvvvery day in a relationship or else boo-boo gots to go?  Why do we think that this girl isa dime, and my girl is getting on my nerves, so I can just do a lil sumthin sumthin and it'll be ok?  Why don't we work on our re-lation-ships? If you are at the point where the grass looks greener, then you need to nurture and water your lawn!

If you aren't mature enough to handle the ups and downs of a relationship, then you probably shouldn't be in one! (Ouchie)  Relationships take commitment and growth.

So what am I trying to say?  Have fun in the getting to know phase.  Don't stress about whether that person can fill out your marriage application because who knows how much your app will change when you're ready to get married. We need to get rid of the myth of the "one"  God will order our steps using His Word (Psalm 119:133) as a map but he will never tell you that you HAVE to do X.  Remember that.

When you do find that person you want to settle down with, don't give up.  If you really lovve them, you wouldn't give up so easily.  In order to have growth you have to...have to...have to work at it!

Overall, I think we need a changing.  A shifting of the phrase.  I'm looking for Miss. Perfect.  I'm looking for The One is no acceptable.  God has placed people in your lives that are compatible to you. Not perfect, but pretty darn close.  However, He wants you to seek him first.  So, I don't know about you, but I'm excited for my Number Two.

You Are So Beautiful!

I've realized that I've gotten away from my blogging roots.  The reason that I started to write blogs is to mostly encourage people.  To help boost people's self-esteem by telling them that they are better than they think.  Recently I've caught myself talking more about little 'c' christians and instead of uplifting people, I've been putting challenging them.  At the face of it, it's fine.  But, I'm the type of guy that needs balance and it's been far too long since I posted a truly uplifting blog (June was the last one).

I feel a need to speak life into someone's life.  I feel the inherited need to help someone out there.  I feel the need to tell someone something that they already knew: you are beautiful.

You are sooo beautiful.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made.  You are created in the image of God. I need someone out there to believe that right now.

Maybe I'm ina extra lovey dovey mood.  Maybe I'm dealing with my own issues, but I need to tell all my readers/nonreaders, believers/nonbelievers, friends/enemies (jk), groupies/haterz...You are loved.

I don't feel weird saying this as a man, because as a man, I've realized that I need to get better at expressing myself.  I need to get better at becoming vulnerable.  I need to be open and honest about my feelings.  However, as a man, I also realize my boundary of mushiness and I do believe that I have reached my threshold. So this first half was my gender friendly blog.

*Insert Woman Friendly Line Here*

This second half is dedicated to my ladies.  I know I've said this before but ya'll amaze me.  The essence of your being; your ladiness perplexes me.  Ya'll aren't just beautiful, ya;ll are gorgeous.  One of the things that I hope never ever ever ever happens is if I make a woman feel less than she's worth.  I don't know, maybe I have in the past and if that's the case I'm sorry.  I really am!

I'm not gonna lie, you women drive me up the walls Day N Nite (Kid Cudi Song).  Somedays I wanna yell at you.  Somedays I wanna curse you out (the Christian in me stops me), but when it alllll comes down to it: I love ya'll.

I don't care what other men say.  I don't care what your parents told you.  I don't care what other men say.  You are precious. You are sooooo beautiful.  (Borderline hot but only because I loathe that phrase).

*INSERT GENDER FRIENDLY LINE*

Don't ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. EVER (did I say ever enough) let someone tell you different.  Don't ever let someone bring your self esteem down.  I used to let other people affect me (and I still do from time to time).  But once you realize who you are in God.  How amazing of a person you are in Christ.  You establish your identity in your Maker.  You realize that you are a privilege.

So I'm glad that I've had the privilege to know the men and (especially) women.  I don't always see eye-to-eye with them.  But I do see their beauty (once again especially women) coming from their eye.

You are all amazing!  To the women in my life, I love ya'll. To the women not in my life as much as you used to be, I love ya'll. To the women soon to be in my life, 1. What's taking soo long & 2. I love ya'll.  To the brothas in my life, you are beautiful (I say that in my deepest manliess voice possible).

Much love to God's Creation.  Always remember to smile!

Never underestimate the power of your smile. Smiles have the ability to light up the room. Even when skies are dark sometimes if you just smile, your day becomes better! Smiles are beautiful. Smiles are great! Why don't you go ahead and smile right now!

I Disagree...(2012 Election)

So, the election is finally over and we now have a victor.  Congratulations President Barack Obama.  But also, congratulations to Republican Candidate Mitt Romney for a well fought campaign that literally came down to the wire.  It was the prime example of how a great election could be numbers wise.

I now have to write an obligatory "political" blog about the election and how elated and/or disappointed I am in the results (I'll let you choose which one if any).  However, I've seen enough hate out of my Facebook friends, Twitter follows and talk within my ear that I don't feel the need to gloat/vent about the turnout of the election because everyone is doing it for me!

There isn't anything wrong with being passionate one way or another.  But it is wrong to put down someone else's view, to try to take someone else's joy just because you are upset with the outcome.  It is wrong to just be downright disrespectful to the victor or the loser.  It's dehumanizing as well as un-Christ like.  And that's what's bothering me about the outcome.

I can handle all the mudslinging for the politicians because that's what we've come to in todays life.  But when I hear, just like I did in '08 that the world is going to end, that everyone that's against the election is gonna move to Canada, my heart aches.  In life, there are winners and losers, in sports there are winners and loser, in politics there are winners and loser.  It's just the way things go.

Disagreeing with ones policies is one thing and if people were to say, that they don't think the economy, the deficit, education, etc etc is gonna improve then thats fine with me.  It's those extra extremities that is too much.  Whatever happened to civil disagreement.  That's how We are supposed to act.  We, Christians especially, are supposed to love one another despite differences, so why is there hate?  I just don't understand. And it reallllly frustrates me as I look through my feeds.  Aren't we supposed to do everything ina loving Christian manner as Paul continuously says through his letter?  Aren't people supposed to feel the love of Jesus through us?  Aren't we supposed to be the Salt and Light of the world??? (Matthew 5:13-16)

Mitt Romney put his heart out on this election.  He was sooo into it that he didn't write a concession speech. He didn't even wanna let the idea of losing creep into his head which is the sign of a great competitor   But when he lost, he went out with grace, respect, honesty, and love.  One of the (if not THE) most disappointed man in the nation, had to get out in front of his peeps, and tell them that its over.  I can't imagine all the thoughts that ran through his head...disappointment, anger, fear...But he knew what he had to do and did an absolutely amazing job at it.  He stated that we need to pray for this nation and the President.  And I get the feeling he wasn't just saying that if you know what I mean. He put it all out on the line, no remorse, just moving forward.

And that's what we all should do.  We should respond to the results with love and grace.  You can be disappointed, but don't become disrespectful ESPECIALLY in public my friends.  Join Mitt and pray for our nation, pray for our President, pray for each other.  There are plenty of issues in our daily lives that stress us out, sooo lets not let politics become divisions from friendships, spouses, or even the church!  You can disagree, you can be sad, you can be a little upset, but remember, in alll things do it with love. (1 Corinthians 16:1)  Let's chill with all this hate ya'll.

--MJA

What's Goin On (Part 2)

Well, the time has come for me to make a host of enemies with the female constituents.  The first part of this blog asked women the question: What are the top 5 things that men do that anger/frustrate you?. Well, I got a host of various responses which can be found by viewing this link: What's Goin On Part 1.  I'm not gonna get too much into the details.  But, lets just say that its time for the brothas to respond!  We heard you ladies, and we took your criticism.  Now its your turn to do the same.  You can disagree with me if you want, but I'm just saying the vibes you ladies give off. 

My only hope is that I have earned the trust and respect of my women readers that you are able to read this without feeling like I'm taking a shot at ya.  This is no shot against any specific woman, but just women in general.  For this study (I feel soo professional) I interviewed 12 guys.  This number does include myself but I answered the question before I interviewed and compiled everyone else's answers.  Andddd my results are weighted just as much as every other guy.

Ok, now that we are on the same page, I'm going to present the top 5 annoyances due to women.  

I know I did the listing of the top 5 in the previous blog in descending order, but this time, I'm going to do it in ascending order to add drama. So, the 5th most responded to answer was: Dress Appeal.  What in the world do I mean by dress appeal?  Well ya know, a true/real man isn't going to want his girlfriend to dress like she's going to the club 24/7.  A real man realizes that beauty comes from within and not from without.  Yes, I would be the first person to admit that I love a woman that can dress.  One of the most attractive things for me is when a woman can out dress me, but dress isn't everything.  Especially if you are consistently showing off your B's (went over your head didn't I?)  This is a huge issue for us men that call ourselves Christians.  We try to live by a lifestyle, but the flesh is a hard thing to control and it's even harder when too much is shown.  One of the men said: "girls that feel the need to 'flaunt' themselves....like guys struggle with lust enough.  I don't need to see everything all the time."Like I said, its nice to be a good dresser, but try to control yourselves...for the benefit of us admitting struggling men.

The 4th most annoyance is: Assumptions.  Aww man, this one plays a huge role for me personally.  Assumptions...assumptions.  Women...ya'll have a habit of assuming everything about a man!  I'm going to give you a reality check: EVERY SINGLE MAN isn't a jerk!  There are legit good men out there!  One of my favorite lines that was stated by Pastor Waller is: just because you've had an experience with one bad dude doesn't make you an expert on all men just in the same way that a bad experience with one woman makes any man an expert on women.  I mean that's...just...logical.  Listen, I know you've been hurt by your love.  But seriously every guy in the world isn't out to hurt you.  Isn't out to purposefully make you cry.  To cheat on you.  As one of my brothas noted, "when girls start posting statuses on Facebook like 'all guys are jerks!' You're just not giving Mr. Right the chance to show up!  If girls don't like being called jerks, then why say something you don't like?"  OK, honestly check, I've called a girl a jerk, but I never mean it seriously (I think).  But, these assumptions doo sooo much more harm than good.  It's like you take us out of the running before we get a chance!  Just give us a chance!  Besides, my momma always said that when you assume you become the first three letter of the word...

The middle of the road annoyance which is: Devaluement.  Yep, I just made-up a word.  Devaluement. Deal with it!  What I mean when I say that word is that you say that we under--appreciate (See Part 1) ya'll and that may be true, but ya'll under-appreciate (or devalue) yourselves.  Whether it's changing your personalities just to fit in as one guy said or trying to be skinny like all the models as another guy noted, you were made in the image of God.  Come on!  You are beautiful just the way you are.  No, I'm not trying to sound like Bruno Mars, but it's true.  You need to recognize what ya'll are to us men.  You are Queens (as I said ina previous blog).  You are daughters of God!  A man I interviewed said that one of his annoyances is when a girl, "acts like a whore when they are worth so much more."  I chose to keep the exact language because it roots to the seriousness of the issue.  YOU ARE WORTH SOO MUCH MORE.  If you've never had a guy tell you that, I'm here telling you that as well as other men.

Now we are down to the top 2 responses!  Here we go!  The runner-up annoyance is: Self-Centered.  Now, I know, that word is a very harsh word.  And honestly, this is one of those lack of a better term words that encompasses a vast array of issues.  One array is when as one man noted, is when ya'll don't...can't...choose not to...control your emotions!  Men, we have a limit...a bar.  The worst thing we can call a woman is a *female dog*.  But women, ya'll just cut...to borrow from my favorite comedian Kevin Hart, when women get mad, "Ya'll see red."But this self-centered issue can stem from something as light hearted as wanting us to kiss ya'll while you are sick.  One of my friends made that observation.  He observed: "have 2 sick people isn't any better than have 1 sick person.  In fact, it's worse."  Here's a fact: we, as men, do care about ya'll.  But a relationship works two ways.  Learn to control your anger.  Don't ballon issues and make them bigger than they need to be.  I know...I know...imma man so I'll never understand women, but that still needs to be said as the intercessor.

Now the time has come!  The most noted complained by every single guy is when women are: Lying/Avoidant.  Let's see if I can simply explain what my fellas are trying to say here.

One thing I am solely noticing is that both men and women lie constantly.  But in completely different ways.  Men...we tell those stupid lies that get us in trouble or sometimes get us out of trouble (think about it....).  Women, ya'll on the other had lie by being avoidant.  You all expect us men to be mind-readers.  You say that you are fine, but in reality you aren't.  And in some situations I understand why you do it: you want the men to show that they care.  But in many other situations, it's completely unnecessary.  Or when a man asks you (genuinely) "What's wrong" and you say "nothing."  Do you understand how frustrating that is for us!?  Women...ya'll like to play games.  One of the biggest games is stating a statement that is false but you somehow expect us to know its true.  That's lying!

How does this link to avoidance though?  Well, when you avoid the situation by saying that everything is alright when it isnt...that's lying.  That's just setting us up to fail!  I like to think I'm good at reading people (at least I used to think that) but I still miss a ton of those avoidance moments.  Oorrr even worse, I assume that the lady I'm talking to is lying to me when she isn't and then I don't believe her and it just ruins everything!  One of my brothers-in-Christ quoted Proverbs 31:26 which said: "she speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue."  According to him, that verse is talking about a noble woman; a wife.  And the context of him quoting that text is when a woman tried to "bait" him into asking her what's wrong.  Here's the situation if you didn't know.  If I am talking to you, that means I care about you.  You don't have to bait me in.  Just come out! But that's just me I guess(?).  If you are comfortable enough to throw out bait, then you are comfortable enough to cast the line and take a risk in catching a fish instead of a shark. (I got lost in my own metaphor but I guess I'm trying to say imma fish? maybe?)  I digressed again, but what I'm trying to say is (stealing the words from the same man): "Don't play games, just talk to me."

To wrap it all up, the top 5 annoyances are: Lying/Avoidant, being Self-Centered, the issues of Devaluement, always drawing Assumptions, and the Dress Appeal.

Now, if you made it to this part, it means that I didn't completely anger you with my observations.  Orr maybe I did and you just wanted to see some more of my invalid and asinine comments which is fine too.  I'm always open for criticism and debate (which I LOVE by the way).  But I'm just going to leave you with a statement: 

Women, I love ya'll.  I think you are the greatest thing God ever made.  But sometimes you do things that annoy me...greatly.  I hope this opens the door for the conversation and that both men and women can use both parts of the blog to learn and adapt.  Just remember that you are all queens and Daughters of the most high God!

The next part is a study on how women view other women.  As long as every woman in the world doesn't hate me for posting this, that will be an interesting study!

What's Goin On (Part 1)

Soooo this is part 1 of a 4 part series of where I will take the job of a sociologist to find out what's going on between male and female interaction.  There are a lot of issues/complaints I've heard over the years from one side to the other, so now here's the chance to iron everything out.

For this part, I interviewed 14 ladies of different ethnicities and ages and I asked the vague question: "What are the top 5 things that men do that anger/frustrate you?" The vague question allowed a plethora of different answers.  The purpose is two fold: 1. To become a better man when I do get in a relationship, and secondly, to help men understand women and visa-versa in any way whatsoever.  I'm here to help!

Without further a due, I put together the five most annoying/frustrating things that we men tend to do.

The most complained issue (in at least 9 surveys) was: communication issues.  We men are notoriously bad at communicating things to our ladies.  Now this topic is a vague/overlapping issue within itself but we need to get better at expressing ourselves!  We need to be honest and upfront with women not shady and unclear (which I'm notoriously known to be).  A lot of the issue is that we are veryyyy slow to trust and very slow to make friends.  But once we have a woman we can trust, we gotta open up to them, we gotta trust them, we gotta communicate with them.  We need to understand our women.  One of the ladies I surveyed said: "...sometimes guys label us as overemotional, dramatic criers.  Which, for some of us is not even true, and other times it's just how girls know how to express themselves. It means a lot when a guy figures out how to communicate with a girl."  You see that, its just that simple step of just understanding the lady you are dealing with and how she communicates and work with her.  It's a relationship!  Give and take both ways.

The next most complained about issue is related to the first: emotionless.  Whether it's claiming to be emotionless or making our women feel like we are emotionless, this is a real issue.  We tend to hide our emotions because it's not manly to be emotional.  It's not manly to be vulnerable.  But let me tell you something men, it takes a REAL man to be vulnerable with himself and with his mate.  Our ladies want to understand us, to know what makes our hearts break and what makes us joyous. So let them! I know...I know...its extremely hard; I've been there.  But once you do, your relationship will go to a whole nother level..beyond sex. As one of the women surveyed said: "I hate when men pretend they don't have an emotional or compassionate side.  I don't see what's wrong with showing that.  I actually appreciate that.  No one (or at least I don't) need a man that doesn't have emotion."  You see!  They want a man that has emotion.  How fun would it be to take a scarecrow??

This next point really hit me hard as a man, especially as a black man, but the next point of annoyance is the fact that we are prideful.  Pride can bring out the best in us, or the worst in us.  Unfortunately it tends to bring out the latter.  Women expressed our prideful tendencies is how we are arrogant and cocky to name a few.  The bible states (somewhere) that pride comes before the fall.  When we get to the point where we feel like we don't need each other or other people, that's where the devil starts to tear apart relationships.  When it comes down to it, we do need each other.  I am a confident man sometimes, and unfortunately I can be cocky and arrogant.  That's something that is a work in progress.  There's a difference between being proud and being boastful because when it all comes down to it, it's never our doing, rather it's the Lord, who gives each of us men our talents and abilities doing.  One aspect of pride that one of the ladies stated is that we have a tendency to never admit when we are wrong.  That's a problem...let's fix it!

Fourthly, we are known to be disrespectful. Oh boy, that's a big one.  Disrespect can come in many different shapes and sizes, but when it comes down to it: disrespect is disrespect.  The media disrespects/objectifies out women enough, why do we need to aid in that!  Women are not objects that we obtain like I used to think (unknowingly).  They are human beings with a capacity to think, act, and learn.  They want to be loved and respected.  One of the biggest importance for men is that we want to be respected.  We HAVE to be respected, but let me tell you, in order to get respect you gotta give it.  One way that we disrespect them is by, "tryna get my number without asking for my name first."  Really!?  Can't ask the lady her name??  Come on men, use your God given head!

The last issue that I am going to address here that was expressed in at least six different surveys is the idea that we under-appreciate our women of God.  Just like I wrote my blog: Women are a gift from God.  We, I, need to start acting like it.  Whether its doing something as simple as putting the toilet seat down after we are done (which a couple people wrote down), or actually listening to what they are saying as opposed to just hearing.  We gotta appreciate them.  Yes, mentally portraying women falling in the toilet seat is a hilarious thought in my head (sorry I can't help it), it's still wrong.  We have a habit of trying to focus on the bigger issues instead of valuing the "smaller" things.  As one of the ladies said: "[We] seem to handle the tangible and visible things and forget other things that are just as important, but not directly in front of them."

Finally, this isn't something that was a trend, but I found a couple of women that noted that we as men have a habit of trying to fix everything!  Sometimes they need to just vent and express themselves.  It goes along with the whole "shoulder to cry on" aspect.  Women don't expect us to be superman even though it seems like they do after reading this.  They just want someone to care for them, to love and appreciate them.  Is that really to much to ask for?  Besides, women are a gift from God...let's treat them like they are: Queens of our lives.

I hope this helps men understand what women are looking for.  And I hope this assures women that at least this man is trying to become what you want him to be!  Work with me and I'll work with you!

*Next up, it's the brothas turn to vent.  What do women do that annoy/frustrate us??? This should be fun!

Women...are a gift from God

There is something remarkable about women... especially Christian women.  I love ya'll!  You come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, shades, hair color and you are all distinct in your own way.  And it is my definite belief that there is a special someone out there for every single one of you.  Now if you look back at my previous post: Singleness is a Gift From God, you will see my view on singleness and how it is indeed a good thing.  However, I believe wholeheartedly in the creation story and when, in Genesis 2:18, God said, "it is not good for man to be alone."  We are relational beings.  We need to be around people that love and care for us.

Especially men.  Men...(especially but not limited to)black men are some of the most prideful beings you will ever meet (generally speaking of course).  We want to be supporters for our women, protectors, and providers, and when we aren't able to support them, it tears us apart inside.  It's like we lost part of our manliness.  One of the major problems with pride is that it makes us delicate.  I guarantee to you, the more prideful the man is, the more he hurts when he feels like he lost some of his manliness.  The bigger the pride, the harder they fall.  Now I'm a believer that God knew what he was doing when he created us, so naturally, he made out significant others compliment us.  For the most part, opposites attract.

Thankfully, with all these prideful men going around, God made the woman...the strong woman.  Women, you are stronger than you ever imagined.  Just the natural pains you go through monthly, the pain of waking up in the morning and spending a long time with your body, the pain of how you dress sometimes killing your feet.  I have nothing but PROFOUND respect for women.  I don't know how you handle childbirth...I can't imagine doing that!  AND on top of that, you deal with us men.  Us prideful men that, to be completely honest can act like babies quite easily.  Sometimes our significant other end up becoming more like our mothers (which is a hugeeee issue by the way) and our wives/girlfriends at the same time! Amazing!  For me a woman is the only being, capable of making me go to my knee to ask a question.  To put it simple, women: you are our weakness.

It's no wonder why the number of womanizers compared to the manizers is disproportionate.  We want ya'll...we NEED ya'll.  Don't lose faith in us.  When you have a man that is proving to you that he's trying to become a better man, whether its "of God" or not, try to stay a little longer.  The importance is that the man feels like its worth it...that you are worth it.  Never forget that!

But to my brothas, I need to be real with you.  We need to step up. Pride comes before the fall remember? (Proverbs 16:18)  We need to be willing to stop feeling like we need to be Superman.  It's ok to be Clark Kent!  No one will look down on you for making less money than your woman.  No one will look down on you unless you let them.  Love your woman, love your mate, love your best friend.  If you are in a serious relationship and you trust your lady, don't keep shutting her out. (Ohhh boy do I need to hear that!)  Be open and honest with her.  The amazing thing is that women have this power..this switch in their brain, where they automatically become Super-Woman...but also they, can become Miss. Delicate, Compassionate.  AND DON'T...I MEAN DONT, take advantage of her.  Whether that means cheating on her, abusing her, whatever-ing her.  This is God's daughter...God's princess...treat her like it!

I didn't forget you my queens.  You need to stay by your man!  Encourage him.  Even when times get rough.  If you love him, and care about him, and he's trying..stay with him.  Stay with him until you feel like you can't stay with him any longer...and then stay with him.  I told you, we are delicate beings.   We don't like being told we were wrong, but we need to be told.  Choose your moments to be delicate and choose your moments to be strong and pushy (not in the bad way).  You'd be surprised how much your words mean to us.

I'm just a young, Christian, black man that just got out of college giving my point of view.  I love...looooveeee.....looooooooooove women.  You are just sooo interesting!

Now a couple of disclaimers:

• I am writing from a heterosexual man's perspective since I am a heterosexual man.  Therefore, I will be focusing on a man-woman relationship because that's where my "expertise" is in.  I am by no means homophobic, I'd just rather not try to talk about something I don't really know.
• I am generally speaking in this blog.  There are exceptions to every rule where, say the man is the Strong/Delicate one and the woman is the prideful one.  In that case, just reverse everything; where I said man put woman and visa-versa.

Singleness Is A Gift From God

This is probably the hardest entry I've ever made due to the fact that this is what I've been struggling the most with recently.  It takes a lot out of me to admit this, but the more I meditate, read, and discuss with people, the more I realize that: Singleness is truly a gift from God.

I used to question why people enjoyed being single.  I mean, God made us relational beings, so when someone came around that you had some attraction to, you mind as well give them a chance right? Wrong!  It doesn't work that way and I thank God it doesn't work that way. 

I can be the first to acknowledge it: it really sucks to be single sometimes.  ESPECIALLY when all your freiends tend to be in relationships (thanks Messiah College) and you become the 7th Wheel.  You contstantly battle with that nasty bug called lonliness and you have to deal with the elephant in the room that there are going to be some nights where you are going to be alone.  But maybe that's not soo bad.  (See my blog about Divine Time-Outs).  It's necessary to be alone.  It's all about your mindset.  If you go into those nights saying, "woe is me, I'm so alone," it is definintely going to be a long night.  But, if you go into it excitied, things may change.  Now why in the world would you want to get exicted?  Well, I'll tell you!  

• You get to relax with no drama (my bros know what I mean!), no issues, just you and yourself!
• You get to do some soul searching (since its basically impossible to do it when you are with others).
• You can watch your favorite movie/tv show without ANY distractions.

Now doesn't that sounds great!!  Ok, I'm not naive enough to think that that's enough to convince anyone that spending a Friday Night alone is better than with a significant other.  But, I am going to make the argument that the world NEEDS single people.

Let's put it this way: we can do things in a much easier capacity than our coupled counterparts can.  We have an essential ingrediant called freedom.  To put it simple, we only need to worry about ourselves, and we can do whatever we want (within reason) to make us happy.

To make this practical, lets just say you are a successful musician.  Always touring and away from home.  It is SOOOO much easier to do this when you are single as opposed to married.  Married musicians constantly worry about leaving their man/woman/children and gone for Lawd know how long.  BUT if you are single, you are able to just go and do yo buisness!

Another practical example, is that, in the Bible, Jesus commands us to go and disciple right?  Well, let me ask a rhetorical question.  Is it easier to care for one person or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 or (if you are ambiitous 10)?  Obvious answer.  Single people are able to do things for the Kingdom muhch more fluently and flexibly than those encumbered by relationships.

Now don't get me wrong.  When my Miss. Amazing comes along, I (hopefully) won't hesitant to sweep her up! Best believe that!  But, stastically, you are going to spend more of your time ina relationship, as opposed to single!  Sooooooo singleness is a gift!  It's a minority in our lives.  We should embrace it and ask God: Lord, what do you want me to do with this gift of singleness in my life?  Lead me Lord, I will follow because I can do it very easily as compared to Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

Remember that emotions are only temporary, so don't let them leave a permant impact on your life! 

Weeping may endure for the night but....

--GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

Boasting by Lecrae ft. Anthony Evans

I was listening to the song, Boasting by Lecrae tonight and just a deep feeling hit me. The Chorus goes:

If this life has anything to gain at all

I count it lost if I can't hear you, feel you, 'cause I need you

Can't walk this earth alone

I recognize I am not my own, so before I fall

I need to hear you, feel you, as I live to make my boast in you alone

This song talks about the yearning, the need for a Jesus.  I just realized how much I need him in my life and how I am thankful for all the figures that he put in my life.  No matter how small of a role you may feel like you have in my life, you've been put there for a reason and I am thankful for you.  Everyone goes through ups and downs in their lives and sometimes don't realize the players that are involved.  These players can impact you perceivingly negatively or positively, but the important factor is that they impact you in someway.  I really wish I could've appreciated everyone that has been in my life fully at the moment that they was in my life but since that moment has passed, I am making it open that I appreciate you.

I just want to apologize to all the people that I've hurt in the past with my actions/words along with the people that are presently hurting due to a fault of mine, and lastly I want to apologize to the people that I will hurt in the future.  No one deserves to get hurt, and I know that I'm not going to be able to always control who i hurt, but I want you to know that I do love you and I do care about how you feel and I would NEVER purposely hurt someone.  Love you ALL!