it vs. HE

Stop it!

I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of it trying to take over my life.  I'm tired of it actually suceeding in me.  I want to do right, but there's this urge in me to do wrong.  I want to proclaim victory over it, but defeat keeps ringing.  It just has so much control over me.  I...I just can't take it.

Thank you Adam and Eve for this.  Thank you Adam and Eve for exhibiting a lack of self-control.  A lack of reverence, a lack of humility.  Why did you have to listen to that serpant.  Why did you have to have the yearning to be more knowledgable...more greater than you needed to be? Are you happy now?  Are you happy that you thrusted future generations into turnmoil because of your decision.  Are you happy that you let it win.  Are you happy now?

Was it worth it? Is it worth gaining the whole world, yet losing my soul?  The answer to the question is obvious, but yet, the answer is never reality.  I think with my dream, yet my limbs do otherwise.  I think things with my mind, yet my tongue speaks otherwise.  Is there any hope for me?  Will I ever be able to conquer it? Will it continue to rule over my life?  Dictate my thoughts, my actions, my words, my dreams, my everything.  This control over my life..it's just...not good.

I hear the statements running over my head.  You will fail.  It's too deep inside of you.  Stop trying. It's futile.  What do I do?  Who do I turn to?  No one can really understand what I'm going through.  IT...IT...IT is just to strong.

I can't be like the faithful servants in the Bible.  I can't be like Moses who saved the nations of Israel by standing up to Pharaoh   I can't be like the prophets Micah or Elijah, or Amos, or Nathan who stood up to kings who had the power to kill them at a snap.  I can't be like the Apostle Paul who endured various beatings and imprisonment.  I'm not strong enough.  I'm just little ol' Michael.  It has it's grasp on me.

I just need to release the vices that the serpent has on my soul.  I need to be emptied.  I need to be filled with something greater than myself.  They say that we are yearning for something greater than we.  Well I'm looking...I'm looking..and I think I found him.  But now that I found him, what do I do?  What should I do?

This thing...this person inside of me wants to do wrong.  This person inside of me is nasty.  This person inside of me is cantankerous and vile and just wrong.

But I, I've heard about this man.  This man that came into the world and conquered It.  It thought that this man was dead.  Victory was obtained by it.  But just merely 72 hours later, this man rose with all power in his hand.  This man was the only man that lived a perfect sinless life.  All others before him sinned and fell at one point, but he failed to fail.

He wants to tell me that I can conquer it.  That my mind, my soul, my heart is not greater than he.  All I have to do is ask, trust, and believe.

But Lord, it's just too strong.  I'm a young man.  I have thoughts, pressures, doubts, fears..What the heck am I supposed to do when it comes like a thief in the night and wakes me, and shakes me, and just drives me up the wall.  How am I supposed to control it.

I am weak.  But he are strong.  He conquered it and he promised to keep me close.  Help me believe that he is strong than me; stronger than it.  Even when times are rough, even when my nights are long, Help me believe.  Lord, help my unbelief!  I know that he went into Sheol, knocked it in its place but how is that power transferred to me?  Where can I get his boxing gloves?

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy.  Sometimes I think I'm going to lose my mind.  Often times I think...I know that it is going to win.  But it's those moments where he causes my foundations to quake (like when he was crucified) and give me a slap on the face.  He gives me that wake up call.  The cockadoodledoo of the rooster.

Wow.  I am in awe of his might.  Great is Your Mercy.  Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.  I'm Not Afraid like Eminem.  I'll Trust You like Donnie McClurkin.  I know that he'll Roll Up like Wiz Khalifa whenever I need him.  He loves me.  He Wraps me in his arms.  And I just want to say Thank You.

it wants me to believe that it has the final say.  The devil wants me to believe that its over.  That there's no hope in me.  But "faith is substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Heb 11:1).  I KNOW that he will suceed.  I just know that JESUS will win.  I believe it.  I recieve it.  

So you know what I'll do?  I'm going to do like David does and bless the Lord at ALL times.  His praise shall continually be in mine mouth.

That...That is what I'm banking on.  it will NOT defeat he.

Who Am I?

Today in church my spirit was revived, it was lifted because after over a month layoff I got to direct.  Granted it was only one song, it was however one of my favorite songs: He Reigns (Our God Is an Awesome God).  And lemme just say, I LET EM UZE ME!  And at that point I was at my spiritual heightness.  I was floating on my Spiriutal cloud-9 of sorts.

Then the sermon came.  And it was an atypcial sermon were Pastor Woody did an exercise.  He taught the church the Spiritual Disciple of the Lectio Devina.  This is just a fancy way to teach us to how read the scripture.  How to read the scriptutre prayerfully.  This discipline has 4 steps:

1. Read the scripture slowly and prayerfully a couple times through.
2. Mediatie on it, focus on what God is trying to tell you about the scripture.  Realize where it hurts, brings you joy, etc.
3.  Talk to God about it.  Tell Him specifically what was on your heart.
4. Be still. And just listen to what God has spoken to you.

So, the pastor read a familiar passage taken from Luke 18:9-14 which is the Pharisee and the Tax Collector.  It reads:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable.

"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.

The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: 
'God, I thank you that I am not like other people-robbers, evildowers, adulteres-or even like this tax collector. 
I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

But the tax collector stood at a distance.  He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 
'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

I tell you that his man, rather than the other, went home justified before God.  
For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those how humble themselves will be exalted."

And after the Pastor took us through those steps, he gave the congregation a chance to say what God was speaking to them.  A couple of people spoke and talked about God's love and another person talked about Humility.  And these are all great great things.

What hit me personally however, was the fact that for far too much in my life, I've been the Pharisee.  The Holy Spirit had convicted my soul.  Troubled my Spirit.  Made me feel soo...dirty.  And it was right at that moment where I realized that I needed to confess.  I needed to apologize, and I needed to repent.

People tend to come to me to talk about various things. And one thing I pride myself about is that I don't judge them.  I try my hardest not to judge them.  And I get the feeling that they sincerely believe that, and its true.  I'm not a judger.  However, there are those times when I pray where I thank the Lord for not putting me in certain positions.  Certain situations.  And it is in those moments where I unconsciously start to feel like I'm better than them.  I start to gather the "Holier than Thou mentality."  The scary part is that I don't even realize it.  And to that I say: Who am I?

Who am I?  Who am I to say that your sin is worse than mine?  Who am I to thank God for not doing A,B,C when I'm sitting there doing X, Y, & Z.  In God's eyes, no sin is worst than the other.  Because when it all comes down to it, sin kills.  For the wages of sin is death, but the Gift of God is everlasting.  I thank God (literally) that Jesus came down to be my penal substitute.  He took the blame that I should've.  I should be on my way to Hell in a hand-basket!  Like seriously....WHO THE HECK AM I?

So, I just need to repent for my wrong thoughts.  For my Holier Than Thou Mentality.  I pray for everyone that has done ABC but I also need prayer for my sins XYZ.  And you know the weird thing, some people may feel like XYZ is worst than ABC.  So really...WHO AM I?

I am a sinner.  But Jesus saved me.  I am lost.  But, Jesus found me.  I am a screw-up.  But, Jesus redeemed me.  "Amazing Love, how can it be, that you my king would die for me!"

If you are out there and you can relate.  I challenge you to be still.  To talk to God.  To ask the great Forgiverer for forgiveness.  To ask Him to change your hearts.  Because we all have skeletons in our closets.  I wil not cast the first stone! (John 8:2-11)