Great Wall - Stand Together

I have to admit that I did not grow up in poverty.  Sure I was born and mostly raised in North Philadelphia, but just before my adolescence, I moved to Northeast Philadelphia.  I've never had any true run-ins with law enforcement besides looks and being followed in a store every once in a while.  However, I knew many people that would come to me explaining some of the brutalities they faced, and I would often chalk it up to nonsense.

Please do not get me wrong, there are more good, honorable officers than dishonorable ones.  But the sad news is that we are judged by our extremes- from Westboro to Jihadists.  The best thing we can do is to continue to show others that our negative extremes aren't who we are legitimately.

However, due to the recent events, it's becoming much harder for me to continue to turn a blind eye to the cries of my African American brothers.  The boiling point came to me when I saw a video of a black man being arrested, willingly surrendering by going face first into the ground.  As he was descending, one of the white police officers kicked him in the face, breaking his jaw, and knocking him unconscious.

My first reaction to this video was: ARE YOU KIDDING ME.  Forget the fact that this incident happened in the area I live in, but it's going to put me in utter disgust when I hear people justify this officer's actions.  There is no justification.

Do you believe that he is a criminal?- If answer is yes, please proceed.
Do you believe that he is human? - If answer is yes, please proceed.
Do you believe that he was violently resisting arrest? - If answer is yes, please proceed.
Do you believe that a human that isn't violently resisting arrest, deserves to get a broken jaw from an officer's boot?...Enough said.

Disbelief.  Utter disbelief.  What more needs to be done?  What more can I do?  These are the questions that are frolicking through my mind like little kids running through a field.

Then, I heard a song.  One of my absolute favorite songs.  It's a song that calls for unity.  A song that calls for unity first and foremost with those that are covered in the blood of Jesus Christ.  If we, as the Church, take a stand, there is no force of Hell that can overtake us.  Lets be honest, we might not like each other, but we need each other.  Don't believe me, take a look at 1 Corinthians 12:12-31.

The song is called Great Wall and it's by a rapper named Da' T.R.U.T.H.  I beg you not to judge the song by the cover because it's a rapper.  No, listen and read the words.:

I'm going to leave you with some of the lyrics that hit hardest to me and keep in mind, this song is talking about the bride of Christ--the Church.  We have a TON of work to do if we are seriously planning on changing the world.

"We choosing our membership based on the hour and the reverent skin;

So from the pews to the president;

We struggle to love each other like the Jews and Samaritans."

"It's like the movie "Crash" --it's a vicious cycle;

Like aluminum cans, the hatred gets recycled."

"Lord, what kind of madness is this?

I'm looking at your body, it's like a caste system.

But in Revelation chapter 7, when we snap the picture;

We see the king and every Christian, every land's forgiven;

Every tribe, every tongue (of) man is represented;

And unified by the Son and his plan of redemption;

To reconcile the nations, the great and the small;

So we life our hands and give him praise (because) he's breaking the walls."

I REFUSE to take an "us" versus "them" mentality within the church.  There is no us, there is no them, there is only We.  When one of us suffers, then we all suffer.  I'm calling on my fellow brother and sister in Christ to examine yourself and at least consider, that there may be, just may be something wrong.  We need to be together.

Where Do I Go From Here? (Reprised)

The title of the first "blog" that I ever construed back in 2007 was "Where Do I Go From Here?"  A question that many of us continuously ponder from day to day, hour-2-hour, and minute-to-minute.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I thought I understood what I am called to be.  But the deeper I dig, the more confused I become.  The mantra that I held while I was finishing high school has not become any clearer now that I've been out of college and integrated into the adult life.  Wasn't this thing called life supposed to make more sense??

That's probably the reason I haven't been blogging recently; there are so many underdeveloped thoughts in my head that I can't get it out to form a complete thought.  Or worse, as I work on the process to compile a complete thought I end up spiraling into a wave of confusion.  It feels like my brain isn't able to fully process anything.  My humanly, finite brain isn't able and it's frustrating.

Sure I've tried to talk about it to others.  My relationship with my parents hasn't been stronger since pre-teen years.  But religiously, ever night, I spiral into this deep sense of establishing my worth.  When I say my worth, I don't mean it in the negative way because believe me, I know to whom I am.  I am a child of the Most High King and as that child, I know where I'm going once that one glad morning happens.

No, when I say my worth, I mean what am I supposed to be doing on this planet.  How can I be the best person I possibly can in the church, in the workplace, in my family, and with my friends.  If you have any answer besides the cliched one I welcome them.  In church I often feel, to take the words of a former substitute teacher: "lost-in-the-ghetto-sacuce."  At work I'm now changing mindsets and paths thus having absolutely no clue where it's leading.  With my family, I'm consistently trying to bring us all together by being more societal driven by fighting back our urges to be individual robots.  And with my friends, oh with my friends, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.  We'll leave it at that.

It's suffice to say that I'm lost.  It's not a coincidence that my recent studies have evolved around Job and the Psalms.  The theme of desertion is plastered throughout those pages along with the thought of whether God is really listening and if so, where is he?  Why aren't my ways his ways?  Why aren't my thoughts his thoughts?  I want to be like David- a man after God's heart but I don't feel it...

Remember.

Hope in God.

Trust.

Those are the three words that are continually echoing in my head.  Maybe it's because I just got finished reading Ps 42 and 43 where hope in God and remembrance with a dabble of trust are sprinkled in the literature.  God is present.  Jesus is alive and is coming back.  I look back and remember the sacrifice that my God made and all the wonderful works that he's done in the lives before, around, and in me.  Through that remembrance I find a hope in God. A hope that I'm not going through all of this confusion and questions for no reason.  Hope that there is a great plan because sometimes there doesn't feel like one.  One of the products of hope is faith (Hebrews 11:1).  The product of faith is trust.

Any time I think about trust, I'm always brought back to a Donnie McClurkin song that reminds us that we need to trust in God.  Remembering helps us hope which helps us trust..

I don't know if this is going to help anyone out there.  This could be something that I'm just going through that no one else is struggling with.  But if you're out there and reading this now, I want to remind you to just trust Jesus.  That's what I'm (trying) to do.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all of your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Prov. 3:5-6

That my friends, is what I'm trying to do.  

Take care everyone,
-MJA

I Don't Have An Answer.

Today I spent church in HBIC which was my church home for half of my college life and today I was reminded why I love that place. Pastor Woody is a crazy crazy man who has a lot of stuff to say and when he really wants to penetrate with his words, he can. And today he did that exact thing to me.

He preached out of Matthew 10:16-39 which is the end of the Jesus' Sermon on the Mount which is the greatest sermon that was ever written to my estimation. At the end of this "sermon" Jesus talks about persecution and brings the parallel that since he was persecuted and eventually killed, we as Christ followers should expect the same. It's the reason why Paul says in Romans that "to die is gain."

Pastor Woody dug even deeper on soo many levels but one point he hit was that the reasoning Christians should readily accept death is because we, as Christ followers, are already dead. Jesus commanded us to take up our cross, which was the ultimate instrument of death, and to follow him.

Wow. That got me to think if I was really willing to die. I know that I've said it before but is it actual reality? Furthermore, it got me thinking on Worship and worship songs.  It made me think about how many songs I sing as a worship leader and if I was to put myself on the psychologist's couch, I honestly don't mean. Let me give examples of what I'm talking about.

From the Old Gospel Tradition: I Surrender All

I surrender all,

I surrender all;

All to Thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all. 

Do I really want to surrender everything to Jesus? No, I wanna hold on to my selfish tendencies, I wanna live my life My Way as the Frank Sinatra song says.

Urban Gospel: I Give Myself Away

Take my heart,

Take my life,

As a living sacrifice;

All [of] my dreams,

All [of] my plans,

Lord I place them in your hands.

Sure, it's nice to say that I'll give my entire life to Christ. That Jesus can have all of me but do I mean it to the extent of the lyrics? Probably not.

Contemporary Christian: From the Inside Out

In my heart, in my soul,

I give you control,

Consume me from the inside out.

Once again the selfish tendencies take over. I don't want to live entire as Christ. I don't always want to love my enemies. That's stupid. It's difficult. Meh.

Let me take it a step further. This sermon got me to think about the extent of what I believe. No, I'm not claiming any loss of faith on my end.  But this has brought out a questioning side of me like none other. In some way or another I enjoy having some type of answer to any question theological or practical. But on my subconscious side, there are just some questions that I can't fathom no matter how much I BS it.  Questions that I come to God as ask why? For the first time in my life, I'm completely humbled to the fact that I don't have the answers to some questions.

Let me give examples of said questions:

Why is there sin in the world? I mean fundamentally, God reigns over everything but decided to give us choice and one choice is sin. Why even give us the choice?  That just made life more difficult and overly annoying.

Why do the most righteous people I know suffer? I understand that the world is going to persecute Christ followers but why would God allow us to suffer from diseases such as cancer. I already surrendered [most of] my life to Christ so why do I need to still suffer physically?  It doesn't make any sense.

Why isn't the Bible completely historically accurate? If bible readers were to be honest, they would say that some weird stuff go on in the Bible. What's up with that!?  The academic side of me is puzzled by it.

I can keep going and going. 

It's ok. It's ok that I don't have the answers. That's what faith is for. Faith is believing and knowing that there is a reason to all the pain and the seemingly discrepancy tendencies of life.

I broke down. My life was shattered. I was humbled. I'm ready to be restored by Christ.  

Last thing I'm going to say is that answers to the aforementioned questions are in my noggin but the doubt doesn't fully go away. So I don't want people to think that I can't answer those questions.

Blessings, 

MJA

Sometimes You Just Don't Know

I was doing my nightly bible study and I cam across this verse, Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

This is one of those verses that is quoted on a daily basis and I'm not really going to say anything radical but I'm going to emphasis the fact that: sometimes you just don't know.  I don't know why God does what he does.  But I do know that it is going to be for my good.

For me, that not knowing thing is a huuuge issue because I'm the type of person that likes to be kept in the loop; I'm a planner.  Realizing the validity of Isaiah is an extremely hard thing but at the same time it's refreshing.  Knowing that I don't have to do everything, knowing that I don't have to plan everything is a releasing thing.  I don't have to be perfect.

So when I don't understand, I just trust.  When trouble comes I keep going, I persevere.  It drives me absolutely nuts because I really don't know what my future holds but there is one thing I know for sure: as long as I am continually praying to God, and reading his Word, I can't fail!  The closer I get to my calling in my life, the harder it's going to become.  But when you persevere and endure, the fruit is your character. And after you're character is formed, you find hope.

Without hope, we, as Christians are nothing.  We have hope that everything is alright.  We have hope that God's ways are greater than our ways!  Just gotta keep on believin and hopin when things are bleak!  We can do this! We can endure!  We can trust God!  It's true that sometimes you just don't know why God does what he does.  But I'm here to tell you that that's alright!  That's how it should be. Keep on Trusting God.

--MJA

Oh and by the way, Check out Romans 5:3-5

it vs. HE

Stop it!

I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of it trying to take over my life.  I'm tired of it actually suceeding in me.  I want to do right, but there's this urge in me to do wrong.  I want to proclaim victory over it, but defeat keeps ringing.  It just has so much control over me.  I...I just can't take it.

Thank you Adam and Eve for this.  Thank you Adam and Eve for exhibiting a lack of self-control.  A lack of reverence, a lack of humility.  Why did you have to listen to that serpant.  Why did you have to have the yearning to be more knowledgable...more greater than you needed to be? Are you happy now?  Are you happy that you thrusted future generations into turnmoil because of your decision.  Are you happy that you let it win.  Are you happy now?

Was it worth it? Is it worth gaining the whole world, yet losing my soul?  The answer to the question is obvious, but yet, the answer is never reality.  I think with my dream, yet my limbs do otherwise.  I think things with my mind, yet my tongue speaks otherwise.  Is there any hope for me?  Will I ever be able to conquer it? Will it continue to rule over my life?  Dictate my thoughts, my actions, my words, my dreams, my everything.  This control over my life..it's just...not good.

I hear the statements running over my head.  You will fail.  It's too deep inside of you.  Stop trying. It's futile.  What do I do?  Who do I turn to?  No one can really understand what I'm going through.  IT...IT...IT is just to strong.

I can't be like the faithful servants in the Bible.  I can't be like Moses who saved the nations of Israel by standing up to Pharaoh   I can't be like the prophets Micah or Elijah, or Amos, or Nathan who stood up to kings who had the power to kill them at a snap.  I can't be like the Apostle Paul who endured various beatings and imprisonment.  I'm not strong enough.  I'm just little ol' Michael.  It has it's grasp on me.

I just need to release the vices that the serpent has on my soul.  I need to be emptied.  I need to be filled with something greater than myself.  They say that we are yearning for something greater than we.  Well I'm looking...I'm looking..and I think I found him.  But now that I found him, what do I do?  What should I do?

This thing...this person inside of me wants to do wrong.  This person inside of me is nasty.  This person inside of me is cantankerous and vile and just wrong.

But I, I've heard about this man.  This man that came into the world and conquered It.  It thought that this man was dead.  Victory was obtained by it.  But just merely 72 hours later, this man rose with all power in his hand.  This man was the only man that lived a perfect sinless life.  All others before him sinned and fell at one point, but he failed to fail.

He wants to tell me that I can conquer it.  That my mind, my soul, my heart is not greater than he.  All I have to do is ask, trust, and believe.

But Lord, it's just too strong.  I'm a young man.  I have thoughts, pressures, doubts, fears..What the heck am I supposed to do when it comes like a thief in the night and wakes me, and shakes me, and just drives me up the wall.  How am I supposed to control it.

I am weak.  But he are strong.  He conquered it and he promised to keep me close.  Help me believe that he is strong than me; stronger than it.  Even when times are rough, even when my nights are long, Help me believe.  Lord, help my unbelief!  I know that he went into Sheol, knocked it in its place but how is that power transferred to me?  Where can I get his boxing gloves?

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy.  Sometimes I think I'm going to lose my mind.  Often times I think...I know that it is going to win.  But it's those moments where he causes my foundations to quake (like when he was crucified) and give me a slap on the face.  He gives me that wake up call.  The cockadoodledoo of the rooster.

Wow.  I am in awe of his might.  Great is Your Mercy.  Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.  I'm Not Afraid like Eminem.  I'll Trust You like Donnie McClurkin.  I know that he'll Roll Up like Wiz Khalifa whenever I need him.  He loves me.  He Wraps me in his arms.  And I just want to say Thank You.

it wants me to believe that it has the final say.  The devil wants me to believe that its over.  That there's no hope in me.  But "faith is substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Heb 11:1).  I KNOW that he will suceed.  I just know that JESUS will win.  I believe it.  I recieve it.  

So you know what I'll do?  I'm going to do like David does and bless the Lord at ALL times.  His praise shall continually be in mine mouth.

That...That is what I'm banking on.  it will NOT defeat he.

Struggle Well

I need to issue an apology.  I need to issue an apology for all those people, all those churchy folk, all those clergy men and women that put the lie in peoples heads that being a Christian/follower of Jesus is easy.  Yes, the steps of it is "easy," repent, accept BUT the hard part is living the life.  Now, I'm not going to get into all the semmantics of what makes the perfect Christian because when it comes down to it:

1. I am NO WHERE near the perfect Christian.

2. I am not quaified to even describe what the perfect Christian is.

3. We aren't expected to be the perfect Christian.

Besides, this blog isn't about being a perfect Christian.  This blog is about the myth.  The myth that has some christians (yup little 'c') believe that oh since I have Jesus everything is just gonna be flowers and daisys.  For anyone that believes that, you are in for a rudddeeee awakening.  If there is anyone out there that is willing to take their Halos off (like Rev. Waller would say), you would acknowledge that being a Christian is ridiculously hard.  In fact I will venture off to say that it hurts.  It can suck.  It's a rough rough non-ending-feeling journey.

There are times that I am so angry at God that I have temper tantrums in my bed (which happened a couple weeks ago).  There are times when I get in such big funks that I seem to snap at everyone for absolutely no reason.  There are times when I get so annoyed with everything and I need to a moment to "get away from God."  I have all these moments.  We all have these moments.

But I'm here to tell you that it's ok.  It is perfectly normal, rational, and understandable to get frustrated or dare I say angry at God.  There is not ONE person in the Bible (NT or OT) that questioned/was frustrated with God at least at some point.  What does that tell us?  It's part of or Christian growth.  It's part of life.  But most importantly, what happens after you have your moment with God?  A couple of things I realize is that:

• I realize that I was wrong and have to repent.
• I realize that it was nothing but the devil trying to get to me.
• I realize that God isn't angry at me for my mistake.
• I become closer to God even more because I didn't hold anything back.
• And most importantly, I fall even more crazy about God.

It's crazy.  We have to get to the point where we need to realize and believe that "all things work together for the good of those that love God, and are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 KJV) We HAVE to believe that.  We NEED to recognize that.  I know this phrase is overused, but: Everything happens for a reason. Can the church say, "For a Reason."  You may not see the reason right away.  But I will promise you that for a Christian, that reason is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS for your good.

So, I going to tell you to embrace your struggling; I'm going to tell you to struggle well.  Embrace your situation.  Dare I say love your situation.  I don't know what you are going through.  I know a bunch of my people still in college are dealing with the stress of Finals Week.  But I can tell you that if you struggle well by studying and listening, the fruit of your hard work will work out.

I know some people are going through financial situations.  But, I can tell you to keep trying in God.  Keep relying on God.  I'm not going to make one of those Name It. Claim It. Obtain It. people because it's more than that.  But know...remember Romans 8:28.  Make that a verse that you commit to your memory.  You may not know why, but you know that it's for your good.

As a matter of fact, let's make that everyone's memory verse.  Romans 8:28,  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (NIV)  Just go.  Keep on trusting God.  Don't give up on him.  

Struggle Well my brethren!

--MJA

I'll Make It

I'm going to be completely honest, I'm not as all chippy as sometimes my blogs may portray me as.  Currently, I am a college graduate, unemployed and stuck in my parents house which is driving me absolutely INSANE (no offense to my parents).  It doesn't help that I look around and see successful preachers and I keep asking myself, How can I ever be that successful   These men of God have PH'Ds, leading choirs, singing while they are preaching, like MAN. How in the world would I EVER be able to do that.  Next thing I know, in the middle of a revival service, I'm just down....the complete opposite of a revival service.

One of my greatest issues/weaknesses is the need-to-be-needed.  The need to feel important.  The past four years I was part of a family, my UVP family (Messiah College's Gospel Choir) and for the last 3 years I was a selected leader part of that family as well as the choir director of my church choir.  However, that season has passed in my life, and I find myself just doing nothing.  No job, no life, no money. Just blah.  I feel like I went from the pinnacle of Mount Klakilaki (My made up mountain..don't judge me) to now the bottom of the grand canyon.  And no matter how much I try to climb through those walls to get into leveled territory I keep slipping.

The more I think about my future, the more I become nervous and become stressed out.  Will I ever direct a choir again?  Will I actually ever preach again in my life.  The foreseeable future is uncertain about that and that drives...me....BONKER$!!!

Where in the World Do I go from here?  Sometimes when I blog about struggles, I write that "I heard a still small voice telling me that it'll be alright" but to be honest.  I'm not hearing that right now.  Where I am right now, is I'm at a place in my life where I need to be.  I am in a place in my life where I need to be fully dependent of God.  Somehow I'm still able to pay my car note because money is literally coming out of nowhere.  Somehow I can be down in the dumps for the entire day, but out of nowhere something happens to lift me up.  Sometimes I feel abandoned by God, and I, like the great psalmist David cries out: Where are you Lord? Why aren't you listening to my prayers?  You know my needs, why aren't you supplying them?  Why am I still in this place in my life?? (An example of David crying out can be found at Psalm 22)

It's frustrating.  It's very frustrating.  But after going to revival I actually feel a little better.  After hearing the preacher preach, I do feel a little encouraged   Hopefully I can pass this along to one of my readers.  The preacher preached from Isaiah 43:2 & 5.  And the part that really spoke to me is the end of verse 2, where it says: "When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."  The preacher pointed 2 points of emphasis   The fact that the passage says "when" and the fact that the passage says "through".

When you walk.  When you walk.  Not IF you walk through the fire. I mean think about it.  We will walk into the fire.  We will struggle.  We will be down.  So we need to prepare for it. We need to put on the full armor of God.  The myth that followers of Jesus won't struggle is asinine!  God does NOT taking away all of our sufferings   Sometimes, we need to suffer in order to become new.  A caterpillar doesn't become a butterfly with a snap of finger.  It has to eat, get fat, and stay ina tight, annoying cocoon until nature (erm...God) tells it that it's ready. Struggle isn't always bad.

The second point is through.  The fact that the passage says that you will walk THROUGH the fire.  You aren't going to get scorched   You will not become set ablaze.  Wow.  That's encouraging.  That though we will have to walk through the fire, we will survive.  We will make it like the Hezekiah Walker song.

Even though I get annoyed with myself.  Even though at times I feel like God has abandoned me.  Even though I don't know the future.  I know that I will make it.  I know that I know that I can Stand.  No matter what may come my way.  My life is in YOUR hands. (My Life Is In Your Hands) Mannnnn....I'm encouraged!  I'm being completely honest with ya'll, at the start of this blog, I was down.  But the more I wrote, the better I was feeling.  So, this blog in general isn't just to encourage you the readers, it also helps me express myself and answer my own questions.  So, I thank you for reading.  I pray that you've been encouraged as I have been.

God Bless You All!
--MJA

I See You (The Stories)

A.
I see you....young man.  You've come from a pretty privileged lifestyle.  You've never experienced a truly rough moment in your life financially.  You've now grown up and have your own job, your own life, your own career...your own money.  Life is good.  You somehow thought that money would make you happy.  I mean it seemingly made your parents happy all their lives right?  But for you, you was looking for something more...You have even more money than you can spend.  But you need something more.  So you turn to alcohol...then drugs.  Eventually you find yourself so caught up in a cycle of addiction that you start getting angry. Angry at God for allowing this to happen.  "God, if you make me stop drinking I promise I'll serve you forever."  But it hasn't happened...Why hasn't it happened.

B.
I see you woman.  Your dad abused you when you was younger.  Not only did he abuse you sexually, but verbally and physically as well.  Before high school he could be described as an absentee but present father.  He was working all the time.  Never reaching out to talk to you, to teach you about his love.  Never to appreciate you.  But now little girl has all grown up into her high school body, and now he's no longer an absentee but present father.  He's an always present, always thirsty man.  A man of authority in your life that made you do horrendous things.  Things that you'll never forget forever.  It haunts you that you can still remember these things.  "Why did this happen to me!"  You fall in a cycle of clinical depression that drives you up the walls.  You have a hard time trusting any man in your life so why would you trust God the Father...why?? What hope is out there...

C.
I see you...Scared little girl, that's entering this big scary world.  With no direction.  With no hope. With no support.  I mean there is direction and hope but you don't see it.  You have loving parents.  You have a family that has done everything to prove their love to you in the past.  But now you've grown up.  Made some mistakes you regret, and now you have to live with them.  You feel like everyone has turned their back on you.  Those close to you act like they still love you, but do they really?  Do they really care about you?  Cuz if they did, they wouldn't have abandoned you at your weakest hour...at your weakest moment.  Then you turn to God, and you question Him...."How could you let this happen.  I've heard stories about your love and your grace but how could you let this happen to me!"....So you continue through life....

D.
I see you bro.  All your life you wanted to have confirmation.  Confirmation that what you was doing was the right thing.  Confirmation that you was good at sports.  Alll you wanted to hear was the man in your life say: "good job son."  But you never heard it....And you grew up hating your dad for it.  You didn't grow up with a father...you had a mom.  And sure, your mom tried, God bless her soul she tried and did an excellent job filling that void...but it just wasn't enough.  You go through your life angry at the world.  Angry at everything.  You've learned to turn that anger into productivity, but that anger still resides in you.  You reach out to other "Father" figures, but its not the same.  And now you here a preacher to tell you to call God your Father.  Are you kidding me???  Trust God, whom you've never met before.  Nah man, you trippin....

E.
I finally see you girl.  You grew up with a single parent.  And for he most part you are fine with it.  But there's a kicker to it.  Your mom is an alcoholic and extremely possessive.  There were two of you, but your bother died when you was younger and ever since then, she hasn't been the same.  She doesn't want you to go off to college.  She doesn't want you to grow up and leave her.  She's afraid of losing you...afraid of being alone.  So she guilts you into staying.  She makes you stay.  But you know that you have to get out.  You have to leave.  You've been out of college for a while and you see your friends moving on in life.  Jesus, why won't you just cure her of her loneliness and help her let me go.  It drives me crazy with her mood swings due to the alcohol.  I can't keep living like this!  I'm calling on you to help my mom.  Will you help her...please???? I pray for all the time.

These are just the stories that you may or may not be able to relate to.  I don't expect anyone to relate to any of these stories 100% but I expect most people to relate to some aspect of the stores.  This blog is about what I see, through my humanly, finite eyes.  The next blog post is going to be my attempt to describe what God sees and how God wants to help.

Football Injuries

I'm afraid.  I'm can't front.  I'm scared to death.  I can't be on of those people, one of those people on stage, one of those people writing blogs, one of those people that just seem to have all the answers.  That seems to coast in life.  That has that strong shoulder to lean on.  Sometimes, I gotta get vulnerable. Sometimes I just..gotta be honest.

My future...what's going through my head can be summed up in one word: Doubt.  In football, when a player gets injured the team is required to post their injury and their status for the upcoming game.  There are four choices the coaches have: Probable,  Questionable, Doubtful, or Out.  The Probable status is understood to opposing players/coaches as to say that the player has a 75% chance of playing.  For each category, the chance of the player goes down 25% (Questionable = 50%; Doubtful = 25%, Out = 0%).  Basically, if you are a couch, and a player has anything under a probable....maybe a questionable, you assume that they aren't going to play.

Why am I bringing up football injury talk.  Well that's bascially how my brain has been envisioning my future since November.  In November I was sure...ABSOLUTELY sure thatt I was going to go to Law School, pass the Bar and become a lawyer.  But once December came in and I had my little tête-à-tête with Abba, my confidence in my future became a probable.  I knew that I now wanted to be a Pastor, I didn't necessarily know any of the critical details, but I knew what I wanted to be in the long run...a Minister of the Gospel.

Then came the Spring Semester of my Senior Year at college.  Mine eyes were illuminated to more than one thing but with that illumination came more messyness.  I started to learn more about the "profession" that I was gonna embark on.  The training I would need...The struggles of those in said "profession."  The questions...the uncertainty about being in the ministry because lets be real, what are the chances of me being the next Pastor Woody Dalton let alone the next Bishop TD Jakes...not veryyy high.  So I had to think of a way to make money...Enter PARALEGAL.  But that made my situation even more messy cuz now I had to get even more training.  So, I went from going to school for 3 years, getting my JD (Law Degree) and working on being a lawyer, to getting my Paralegal Certification & Master's of Divinity.  Yeah....the success of my future had now moved to the Questionable Phase.

Now, I've finished the summer (basically).  Finished with my internship at Harrisburg BIC Church (which I highly recommend for those in the area).  Came out with soo much more knowledge about Pastoring and what it really means to be in the Ministry.  Had a plan to take a Semester off and go to Seminary (PBU possibly) in the Spring and just chill in the fall/winter.  Welllll lets just say unforseeable, but great, circumstances have slightly altered my plans....DOubt.

And here I am, in High School my stress outlet was competitive Golf.  In college my stress outlet was choir, more specifically Directing Choirs.  And now I have lost all of it.  I feel like a college graduate...a college graduate that lives with his parents...A college graduate without a job....A college graduate that quickly loses money because of debt....A colllege graduate that can no longer express himself...A college graduate that has lost his stress reliever...A college graduate that feels like a bum.

At moments like these, I can't help but to doubt.  To question.  To think about whether their really is a plan for my life. Am I just aimlessly wandering around this life wasting each day changing plans...What the heck am I supposed to do? I'm reading all the "good" books, I'm talking all the "good" talks.  But I'm still wandering...I mean reallly God!  You said you have my back!  You said that you have a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) ...But I see all my friends being successful.  Having jobs lined up.  Having lives.  Having money.  Moving away from their parental units homes (no offense to my house).  And here I am...doing nothing!  I am worthless.  Unworthy of the gifts you gave me.  I'm just wasting them! AJDNMFHSM,MD!

But it's at that moment...The moment that I had shut down my computer at 1 AM on Sept. 4, 2012, that I heard a still small voice in my ear saying: "I got this." My God!  I'd just gotten finished reading about when Jacob wrestled with God and told Him: "I will not let go until you bless me." (Genesis 32:26)  And at that point, God blessed him.  I'm reminded that God comes in right at the right time.  That realization was sooo amazing that I had to Boot up my comp again and just blog about it.  Honestly, I don't know how many people are going to read this, but I'm encouraged!

Don't get me wrong my peoples, I still have doubts.  To be completely honest, my life is still in the Doubtful status.  The nights are still going to come, but in the morning, I'll be ok.  Why?  Because I know that it'll never reach the Out status until my life on this earth is done.  I'm not going to give up.  I'm going to Press toward that Mark.  Ima keep trugging (Yes, I just made up that word.) forward.  Trusting God.  Knowing that I got put in these weird situations.  But I am embracing these situations.  Besides it isn't all bad, I got a family that supports me, AND I have a lady in my life that has my back.

That plus God over all of them being my North Star.  I'm golden!