You

Hey, it's me again.  The one that felt deserted.  The one that felt unappreciated.  The one that never quite seemed to fit in because my family raised him a lil bit different.  Just because you may not have liked my parents doesn't mean it has to go down on him.  I wanted to help out...I wanted to desperately get involved, to feel wanted. And yet you shoved me out.  And now you are surprised when you find out where I am. Who I'm trying to become? How God is using me??

I used to hate you.  I used to absolutely loathe your presence.  Every week I would dread that day were I would face your presence.  If it wasn't for my loving parents forcing me to attend you once or twice a week I guarantee you I wouldn't have visited.  When I was in your presence I felt judged, looked down upon, and used.  Yes, there were parts of you that I loved.  Parts of you that welcomed me, that loved me.  But, the nasty parts..the mean parts always seemed to overtake me...to consume me.  But yet...yet...my parents still forced me to go see to you at least once a week.  There were times where I would act like I was sick just so I wouldn't have to engage you.  Yep, I said it...I lied just because I couldn't stand your presence.  You were supposed to love me.  You were supposed to care about me..for me.  You were supposed to be part of my family.  I was supposed to be happy to be around you..at least most of the time. But, I never wanted to be near you....

Once I graduated high school I felt free!  I never had to see you again.  I never had to see you or any of your cousins again!  But wait...I went to a college that was based off you.  Why?  Why would I spend the next four years of my life learning more about you!?  I initially didn't know why God pointed me in that direction, but soon I would find out...

My first year in college I did everything to avoid you and your cousins.  I would never go visit you unless I was forced to because of my love for music or some older people required me to.  I enjoyed my sleep. (I am NOT a morning person).  I mean seriously, why would I wake up early to visit you when I didn't even like you.

My next year I dated a girl who was in love with your extended family.  Wow...it was contagious.  She actually got me excited to go meet your 2nd-cousin-twice-removed!  Once I entered into her presence...I felt something different.  I didn't feel judged...but I didn't feel loved either.  But my girlfriend was in love with your family.  So, naturally I kept going.  The more I went, the more I learned.  Your 2nd-cousin-twice-removed is a smart lady.  She really knew how to keep me interested...to teach me.  But soon I lost the fire to visit even her.  I eventually broke up with my girlfriend and was left in the same place...

But then, I saw something.  You was struggling...Here was my chance to feel loved...To feel wanted! I had the tools to help you.  Yet you refused me.  Once again you looked down on me.  After that, I never wanted to see you again!  You scarred me for my next year (Junior Year of College).  Until...

I was coerced to come meet another one of your family members...It had to be God that introduced us because once I met this beautiful relative, I felt loved.  I didn't feel judged.  I felt anew!  Even though I still was unsure about this Beautiful Monster, I kept going because I couldn't get enough of her!  She wasn't perfect, but then again, no one is. She, however, loved me.  And I started to love her.  She had one of the best brains I had ever seen and the rest of her body was great as well (it gets a 9 out of 10 if you know what I mean!).  I never thought I could learn so much from someone like her.  I've fallen in love with her.  Eventually, there may come a day when I have to leave her.  But I want to say that thanks to her, I've been restored and replenished.  I've been restored in my faith in God.  And I love your family, flaws in all.

Now, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for lying to you.  I'm sorry for hating you.  Before I just saw all of your flaws and denied the good in you.  Though you may be surprised where I am now, (aka trying to become an important part of your family) I hope that you continue to pray for me.  I just want to ask for your forgiveness.  If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be where I am now. Thank You You!

To my readers, if you havent figured out who you is.  You is church.  That's my church journey in a quick snippet.

It's Over

There's a time and place for everything...Everything has a life cycle...and every cycle has a life cycle and it seems like mine has come to an end and WOW what a journey it has been. I'm going to make this my culmination over the past 4 years in how I've grown and learned.

Freshman Year:
Coming into Messiah, I did not know what I was doing.  I had a girlfriend (as most freshies) and I was nervous about this next step in my life.  After about a month of hanging out with my roommate, I started to establish new friends whom I'm honored and proud to have still to this day.  However, not everything was great.  Yes, October was the month I became legal, but it was also the month Marquel died and the month I broke up with my high school sweet heart.  Man, I thought I had to together, but I really didn't!  In school and in choir I was quiet, but when I spoke up I was arrogant, thinking that I knew what I was doing, it was just..bad. I survived freshman year however, only by the grace of God because by the end of that summer, I was in a huge pile of dudu and it was no one's fault but my own.

Sophomore Year:
 Sophomore year was probably my favorite year.  I opened it up by getting rid of old baggage and it really freed me up (I would discover how later in life).  My grades were steadily increasing and I was just figuring things out alot better.  I developed a very close relationship with my now God-Brother, Calvin Tucker which I am incredibly thankful for.  Eventually, I got with another girlfriend whom I probably had the best relationship with. I mean she was the main reason I started to go back to church (CLA) because my old home church left me scarred.  By this point, I really felt like I was finding my place in society.  I mean, I was rooming with my best friend, James, and life was grand!  Until the end of the summer when I arbitraily killed things by breaking up with her.  To this day, I don't know what was going through my hand/what I was thinking. Alas, life goes on.

Junior Year:Aww man, this was my 1st year at the Student Director of UVP.  Man, we had developed some issues that really stretched me but now that I look back at it, it was just a test to make me stronger.  Me becoming the leader of the choir was an incredibly humbling experience and it taught me patience...soooo much patience.  I mean the theme for Junior year was: patience.  Whether it was relationally, socially, or academically.  Academically this was my best year.  Yes, I got into another relationship which, yep, you guessed it, I ended it.  Ending this year just brought the thought in my head of: aww man, im graduating next year....nbd.

Senior Year: This year is/was/has been THE most signinicant/interesting year.  The first semester, I got myself in trouble, doing things, placing myself in situations where I just continually got hurt.  But at the same time, there were significant strides happening that would foreshadow next semester.  One of the most signinicant developments is that, during the summer, I had drawn very close to a man of latino descent, Moises, who out of everyone else, probably payed the biggest role of this particular year.
The most significant/life altering event happened during Christmas Break.  During Christmas Break, God was working on me.  Making me realize...making me surrender my life and giviving it to Him.  It was at this point where I realzied the TRUE calling for my life and that I needed to embrace it...The MINISTRY.  (now I don't have enough time to get into the story but it was huge).  After that surrenderance, man, things CHANGED.  Mine eyes were illuminated and I realized that I had become something that I always dreaded: a player.  I looked at women as objects to be obtained and once I was done with them: bye bye.  Well, God doesn't illuminate our eyes just for the heck of it.  Something needed to change within myself and something was changing.  But, I needed to confess my sins..I needed to apologize.  So I did.  I apologized to a handful of women that had been impacted by my mindset, by my acts. And if you know anything about me, you would know that that was probably the hardest things I've ever done..but it had to be done.

Ever since then, theres been something different about me.  I love life.  And for the 1st real time in my life, I'm embracing my singleness.  Theres nothing I can do about my past but the bible says (somewhere) that when we are in Christ, we are a new creation, old things have passed.  I've moved forward ya'll, and I'm not planning on turning back.

Ok, this has gone LONG enough.  I'm just thankful for all the friendships that I've accumulated in this past 4 years.  Man, I don't know what I wouldve done without my friends, foreal.  I love them, and I will continually be there for them and I hope they really know that.  Looking back at my 4 years, I am amazed at the transformation that happened and there's only one person, one entity that could be responsible for this: me. Just Kidding.  I give all honor and glory to my risen Savior, Jesus Christ.  Without Him, without the Spirit, without God I couldve been dead somewhere.  Matter of fact, theres a good chance I should've been dead.  So, if you are an underclassman reading this, just keep trekking through your 1, 2, or 3 years left in college.  You never know what knew surprises you are going to encounter or lessons you are going to learn.  Take it from me, my most impactful/biggest/lesson-learning year was my last.

I really wish I had more time here, but its over.  I feel like God is pulling me towards a particular direction, but to be honest, I'm scared to death.  But I know one thing for sure: my God will NEVER EVER EVER EVER leave me nor forsake me.  That's a promise I can BANK on.