I'm afraid. I'm can't front. I'm scared to death. I can't be on of those people, one of those people on stage, one of those people writing blogs, one of those people that just seem to have all the answers. That seems to coast in life. That has that strong shoulder to lean on. Sometimes, I gotta get vulnerable. Sometimes I just..gotta be honest.
My future...what's going through my head can be summed up in one word: Doubt. In football, when a player gets injured the team is required to post their injury and their status for the upcoming game. There are four choices the coaches have: Probable, Questionable, Doubtful, or Out. The Probable status is understood to opposing players/coaches as to say that the player has a 75% chance of playing. For each category, the chance of the player goes down 25% (Questionable = 50%; Doubtful = 25%, Out = 0%). Basically, if you are a couch, and a player has anything under a probable....maybe a questionable, you assume that they aren't going to play.
Why am I bringing up football injury talk. Well that's bascially how my brain has been envisioning my future since November. In November I was sure...ABSOLUTELY sure thatt I was going to go to Law School, pass the Bar and become a lawyer. But once December came in and I had my little tête-à-tête with Abba, my confidence in my future became a probable. I knew that I now wanted to be a Pastor, I didn't necessarily know any of the critical details, but I knew what I wanted to be in the long run...a Minister of the Gospel.
Then came the Spring Semester of my Senior Year at college. Mine eyes were illuminated to more than one thing but with that illumination came more messyness. I started to learn more about the "profession" that I was gonna embark on. The training I would need...The struggles of those in said "profession." The questions...the uncertainty about being in the ministry because lets be real, what are the chances of me being the next Pastor Woody Dalton let alone the next Bishop TD Jakes...not veryyy high. So I had to think of a way to make money...Enter PARALEGAL. But that made my situation even more messy cuz now I had to get even more training. So, I went from going to school for 3 years, getting my JD (Law Degree) and working on being a lawyer, to getting my Paralegal Certification & Master's of Divinity. Yeah....the success of my future had now moved to the Questionable Phase.
Now, I've finished the summer (basically). Finished with my internship at Harrisburg BIC Church (which I highly recommend for those in the area). Came out with soo much more knowledge about Pastoring and what it really means to be in the Ministry. Had a plan to take a Semester off and go to Seminary (PBU possibly) in the Spring and just chill in the fall/winter. Welllll lets just say unforseeable, but great, circumstances have slightly altered my plans....DOubt.
And here I am, in High School my stress outlet was competitive Golf. In college my stress outlet was choir, more specifically Directing Choirs. And now I have lost all of it. I feel like a college graduate...a college graduate that lives with his parents...A college graduate without a job....A college graduate that quickly loses money because of debt....A colllege graduate that can no longer express himself...A college graduate that has lost his stress reliever...A college graduate that feels like a bum.
At moments like these, I can't help but to doubt. To question. To think about whether their really is a plan for my life. Am I just aimlessly wandering around this life wasting each day changing plans...What the heck am I supposed to do? I'm reading all the "good" books, I'm talking all the "good" talks. But I'm still wandering...I mean reallly God! You said you have my back! You said that you have a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) ...But I see all my friends being successful. Having jobs lined up. Having lives. Having money. Moving away from their parental units homes (no offense to my house). And here I am...doing nothing! I am worthless. Unworthy of the gifts you gave me. I'm just wasting them! AJDNMFHSM,MD!
But it's at that moment...The moment that I had shut down my computer at 1 AM on Sept. 4, 2012, that I heard a still small voice in my ear saying: "I got this." My God! I'd just gotten finished reading about when Jacob wrestled with God and told Him: "I will not let go until you bless me." (Genesis 32:26) And at that point, God blessed him. I'm reminded that God comes in right at the right time. That realization was sooo amazing that I had to Boot up my comp again and just blog about it. Honestly, I don't know how many people are going to read this, but I'm encouraged!
Don't get me wrong my peoples, I still have doubts. To be completely honest, my life is still in the Doubtful status. The nights are still going to come, but in the morning, I'll be ok. Why? Because I know that it'll never reach the Out status until my life on this earth is done. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to Press toward that Mark. Ima keep trugging (Yes, I just made up that word.) forward. Trusting God. Knowing that I got put in these weird situations. But I am embracing these situations. Besides it isn't all bad, I got a family that supports me, AND I have a lady in my life that has my back.
That plus God over all of them being my North Star. I'm golden!
No comments:
Post a Comment