That's probably the reason I haven't been blogging recently; there are so many underdeveloped thoughts in my head that I can't get it out to form a complete thought. Or worse, as I work on the process to compile a complete thought I end up spiraling into a wave of confusion. It feels like my brain isn't able to fully process anything. My humanly, finite brain isn't able and it's frustrating.
Sure I've tried to talk about it to others. My relationship with my parents hasn't been stronger since pre-teen years. But religiously, ever night, I spiral into this deep sense of establishing my worth. When I say my worth, I don't mean it in the negative way because believe me, I know to whom I am. I am a child of the Most High King and as that child, I know where I'm going once that one glad morning happens.
No, when I say my worth, I mean what am I supposed to be doing on this planet. How can I be the best person I possibly can in the church, in the workplace, in my family, and with my friends. If you have any answer besides the cliched one I welcome them. In church I often feel, to take the words of a former substitute teacher: "lost-in-the-ghetto-sacuce." At work I'm now changing mindsets and paths thus having absolutely no clue where it's leading. With my family, I'm consistently trying to bring us all together by being more societal driven by fighting back our urges to be individual robots. And with my friends, oh with my friends, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. We'll leave it at that.
It's suffice to say that I'm lost. It's not a coincidence that my recent studies have evolved around Job and the Psalms. The theme of desertion is plastered throughout those pages along with the thought of whether God is really listening and if so, where is he? Why aren't my ways his ways? Why aren't my thoughts his thoughts? I want to be like David- a man after God's heart but I don't feel it...
Remember.
Hope in God.
Trust.
Those are the three words that are continually echoing in my head. Maybe it's because I just got finished reading Ps 42 and 43 where hope in God and remembrance with a dabble of trust are sprinkled in the literature. God is present. Jesus is alive and is coming back. I look back and remember the sacrifice that my God made and all the wonderful works that he's done in the lives before, around, and in me. Through that remembrance I find a hope in God. A hope that I'm not going through all of this confusion and questions for no reason. Hope that there is a great plan because sometimes there doesn't feel like one. One of the products of hope is faith (Hebrews 11:1). The product of faith is trust.
Any time I think about trust, I'm always brought back to a Donnie McClurkin song that reminds us that we need to trust in God. Remembering helps us hope which helps us trust..
I don't know if this is going to help anyone out there. This could be something that I'm just going through that no one else is struggling with. But if you're out there and reading this now, I want to remind you to just trust Jesus. That's what I'm (trying) to do.
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all of your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Prov. 3:5-6
That my friends, is what I'm trying to do.
-MJA
