"No one has as much grace for your life as you."- Unknown Preacher-Man
Ever since I heard it, it has been stuck in my head forever. I use it when I talk to anyone and everyone that will listen because of the validity it portrays. If I was honest, it took me a while to process the full meaning of this line and have come to the conclusion that at the heart of it, it's stating that no one can live your life. No one has the ability to live your life. No one has enough patience to live your life. In simple words: It's Your Life.
One of the worst Worst WORST things that I believe any Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jew, Atheist, Agnostic, or human in general can do is start off a sentence with these six words: "If I were you I would..." Here's the thing...You aren't me! You absolutely do not live my life. There is no way you can fully feel what I feel. You don't deal with the intricacies of the daily seconds of my life.
Regardless of how much empathy you think you possess, there is no way empathy can enable you to live my life. Empathy only allows you to feel what I feel for that moment (s) in life.
Let me be clear, this is not a response to what anyone has said or done to me; it's just a thought that's come over me my brothers and sisters. The most well intentioned person can do irreparable damage just by uttering that phrase or like-minded phrases.
Whenever you are facing any decision in your life where the two roads seem equally muddy and none look like the less traveled one, the best thing I can give you is an over-flowing fountain of prayer. I can give you advice in the form of the examples of what I've done in my life enduring a similar situation but I can not equate your life with mine. You have to live your life and I have to live mine.
What you can do for yourself is ask God for help. The book of Proverbs talks about Wisdom and gives wisdom of feminine personification. Wisdom and discernment is attainable in any situation when you ask for it. The Psalms remind us that God will give us the pleasures of our hearts. (Psalm 37:4) If it's something that our heart earnestly yearns for and if it is to give God glory, God will give it to us.
For those of us that are dealing with tough decisions, I "advise" you to take it to God in prayer. For those of us that are in the business of having to constantly give advice, I beseech you to refrain from uttering those consecutive words. If you really want to help that person, pray for them, listen to them, be present for them, and above all else, love them.
Remember It's Your Life. I can walk with you side-by-side but I can't live it for you or else I might have to pull out my hair..
Be safe out there.
--MJA
I find your post to be really interesting, and it has caused me to think through some of how I say things. I would like to either push back against (or maybe just clarify) what you are thinking. I see myself often using this phrase, but maybe not in the way that you are imagining. For example, "If I were in your shoes I would do this, but I'm not in your shoes so you still have to figure it out for yourself." First question: Is this different than what you are saying?
ReplyDeleteI certainly see how this can be seen as trying to live someone else's life, and I am sure that many people use such phrases in this manner, but it really can be helpful to know what others would do and be free to take or leave the idea without negative consequences. Second question: Do you think we are thinking similar thoughts, just coming at it from different angles?
It's always good to read your blog.
-Daniel
It depends, are you looking into that other person's tricky spot and using something that you've learned along the way that's helped you out and applying it in principle to that moment in their life? Sure, I don't have a problem with that. I think the fact that you add the second part of that statement clears the confusion up that you aren't the person with the conflict and that you can't live their life for them.
DeleteI think that any advice given starting with that phrase should always be qualified with the second part of your above statement. Let me be clear though, if one of my friends told me their situation and asked me what I would do in their shoes, I'm going to respond on what I would do rather than take the cold approach and not respond. For this blog I'm focusing more on the people that try to console others; the good-intention-Christians that accidentally worsen the situation than help if you know what I mean.
I think the key is to realize that the 3rd person only has a limited view of what the 1st person is really going through partially because the 1st person doesn't tell the whole story 9 times out of 10.
In the big picture we are saying the same thing. I like how you added the caveat to the statement. My short answer is that if a person willingly asks you what you would do and gave you their scenario you would be remiss not to answer it but always make sure it's clear that you don't have all the facts and that it's ultimately their life to live.
Thanks for answering. I agree that it is something that can be very hurtful to others. I figured we were actually saying similar things, I just wanted to make sure. You are also absolutely right that people pretty much never tell the whole story (even if they want to and try). I try not to give advice often (probably because that would be my inclination) and I try more to focus on listening. I attempt to be very sensitive when I do give advice that I can't make decisions for others and that it is still up to them. It has been one of the more helpful tips I have picked up in my training as a counselor.
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